Dear Tulku,

My question is silly compared to other awful things going on in the world, but if you have the answer I appreciate please some wise guidance that might avoid me and other people unnecessary suffering in the future. Like many women I have suffered deeply from attachment in my past relationships. I know now this is wrong and that the excess of attachment and expectations on my behalf is the cause to my suffering. But now it has made me fearful and cautious to simply enjoy something that is wonderful energy and is so natural. Now I see my good friend suffering like I did. She was very happy with a man for a short time but now is suffering because they separated and have taken different paths. If I compare a man to a dragon and a woman to a volcano, a man is freer than a woman and so can enjoy life more, because a dragon can fly into a volcano and make the volcano erupt, and then the dragon can freely fly away and visit another volcano if it wishes to. But a volcano needs a dragon to erupt and wants the dragon to stay there so the fire doesn´t die down. If the dragon flies away, the volcano will soon turn into a cold rock. And as the volcano doesn t have wings to fly away, it has no choice but to stay where it is and wait for another dragon to fly in. The real problem is that the volcano needs the dragon to feel complete.This is a selfish reason is it not? To need someone to be happy? It is easier to love someone than to accept love is over. the dragon is impermanent so the volcano would probably be happier permanently without a dragon that comes and goes but does not stay as the volcano wishes. But without the dragon the volcano is just a lifeless rock.

What I mean by this is I would be a happier person and enjoy life more if I would be able share myself with another person without feeling pain brought on by attachment and wanting permanence in a relationship that is doomed to be impermenant like all good things in Samsara. And I know others like my friend who would be happier too. But I don´t know how to and where to start...

I have attented two of yours conferences on the sword of wisdom. So my question is can sword of wisdom technique cut the pain of attachment and set me free like a dragon or am i condemned to be a barren volcano for the rest of my woman life? I hope not because it would be rather boring not to love a nice man.

Thank you for your time.

Response from Tulku Lobsang:

You compare man to a dragon. Dragons always have wings and dragons are also hunters. The fact that he has wings means that he needs to fly. Let him fly. Maybe that is the only way that he can come back. If you hold on to the dragon and prevent him from flying, then he is no longer a dragon. And maybe he will die. Let him fly free, and then you also become free of the dragon. Then you and the dragon will have a good relationship.

~Tulku Lobsang

Answered on July 24th, 2011
New York City, NY, USA